haven of rants

Si Longtemps Peeps..

2011-01-23T18:39:00.006+08:00

Hello~!!

I doubt anyone has been following me on my blog but if so there is a soul or two, I am no longer using this site. Please feel free to visit my new website at http://www.syasha.sg.

Hope you like reading my blog & do leave your comment. Thank you lovely people. =)

2010-05-24T23:37:00.002+08:00

I just wana say I'm glad & very grateful to Allah for this special person that has been brought into my mundane life. Though there may be many downs & hardships that we had to go tru, at the end off the day, I really feel so lucky to have known this great person.

Though 2 yrs may be a short time, but through these 2 years itself, I have learnt alot. Most of them were very painful yet meaningful lesson.

I will always remind myself to never let this precious diamond break into pieces as how my heart has already been. Like a wise man used to say, to love is to give not to take.
When u love someone, U love whole heartedly and never expect any return. Coz if ur love is pure, u will get wat u give.

I ♥ you Saiful Iszwan with all my heart. Happy 2 yrs Anniversary. =)♥

2010-04-18T14:38:00.006+08:00

Is it true that promises are meant to be broken?
If it is, why would anyone initiate a promise in the first place when they dont intend to fulfill them?
I admit not everyone would, on purpose, break their promises. I have to understand that some things just cant be avoided.
Maybe its just me but personally, I would not make any promise which i think i cant or might not be able to accomplish.
But then again maybe its just me.

This song by Keri Hilson tells a story similar to what im trying to portray.

[Promise in the dark]

Can't count on you most of all when I really need it,

Its the simple things that you do really hurt my feelings..

The more I tried, the more I'm starting to see it.

This cant work anymore than you believe it..

Goodbye may come as a shock,

Even though i love you a Lot.

I've given every breath I've got.

Sometimes you gotta break down and breath...

(chorus))

and how many times I gave my heart..to..

how may times we fell apart.

And it equals(equals)..

A PROMISE IN THE DARK... so dont promise me..

and how many times I gave you me ...

divided by so many memories...

and it equals (equals)..

A PROMISE IN THE DARK.

so dont promise me...

(listen,listen).

I just don't know what the problem is.. what the deal is.(noo)

Was I there too much.. did i move too fast.. i couldnt see it.

All these promises are probably how you deal with it.

I'm tired of hearing you say your innocent.

Don't think I forgot.

Who cares if you're lying or not..

I've given every breath I've got,

Sometimes you gotta break down and breath

(chorus)

We all make mistakes.

Sometimes we do desperate things

What does that prove.. nothing..

And you never do nothin wrong .

And what took you so long. (took you so long).

Cause i keep keep hanging on(keep keep hanging on)

(chorus)

so dont promise me........

Dont say u can or u will just to cheer someone up coz if that person really holds on to ur words, u mite end up hurting them instead.

2010-04-17T06:38:00.005+08:00

I
HATE
YOU
SO
MUCH
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-04-13T17:33:00.003+08:00

i am so unwell.
just went to see the "stupid" doctor. (quoted by someone)
i had no choice coz of budget contstraint.
but now i couldnt bring myself to touch the medication.
idk.
i feel like ive wasted my money on the clinic trip.
when my substantive remedy doesnt cost a thing.
only TLC.
but sadly it's continents & continents away.
sigh~
I WANA GET OUT OF THIS BODY~!!!!

2010-03-31T23:15:00.002+08:00

im so so not looking forward to tomorrow. *pouts~
but to dear friends, i'll put all that aside just to see the smiles on your face tomorrow aite.
love you guys~!!

2010-03-28T20:21:00.001+08:00

i bought a new phone!! yipeeee~~!!

2010-03-27T23:23:00.003+08:00

Thinking of you when i listen to this song.
Listen to the lyrics and you'll understand how i'm feeling.

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti
Air mata tertahan
Waktu untuk dijatuhkan

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku…

Nanti kita kan tahu
Betapa bijaknya hidup
Sepahit apa pun ini
Pelajaran yang berarti

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apapun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku…

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan merubah apa pun
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku…

Semoga kepergianmu
Tak akan…
Semoga mampu ku lawan
Kesepianku…

Apa pun yang terjadi
Berjalanlah tanpa henti.

I miss you alot baby.
if you think missing me is hard,
you should try missing you.

♥

2010-03-27T13:42:00.005+08:00

reminiscing the past brings me back to the days spent wif the most wonderful guy.
no matter what others have to say, i still feel dat im such a lucky gal to have known this special person.
and thanks to my laptop, i wouldn have met him. which brings us to where we are now.

"absence make the heart grows fonder".
i never thought this phrase is possible. i used to think when 2 people, who had never been separated even by less than 12 hours, being drawn apart by many2 continents, its denyingly impossible to contact every min we need each other.
but my opinion changed for the better. now i realize why at times, there is a need for this separation.
through this painful yet enduring disunify, we began to learn how to appreciate one another. we manage to reflect back about the things that we have done in the past which unintentionally hurt the other party.

even when i hate my life, i can say that i am content.
Now i just cant wait for that special day to happen. Insya'Allah.

2010-03-24T22:23:00.000+08:00

im in a dilemma~~!!

2010-03-13T18:55:00.001+08:00

b called!!

2010-03-11T21:17:00.038+08:00

7 March 2010
Kite Flying Outing

Wasnt really that enthusiastic to go at first but when we reached there, so many people were flying different shapes & sizes of kite, it turns out to be fun afterall. It was super beautiful.
I'll just let the pictures do all the story telling.. =p

Macam paham je. =p

Cik Ramli amongst the kites above.

my partner for the whole day. Syafiah. ( I guess being a kindergarten teacher now makes me love kids more =)

Qisti, Syafiah & me

With Ibu

Syafiah, Ibu & me

With Syafiah

With Adik

With Brother & our "ugly, bought on the spot" kite (sampai terlepas tudung =p)
Brother struggling to carry me with father showing off the "ugly" kite at the back

With Cik Lyn

Syafiah, Ibu, Qisti, Cik Lyn & me

Ugly face time. hehe.

Looks more like throwing the fish net than flying kite. haha

Brother trying to coax me. (sempat merajok jap. haha)

And finally its all ok. =)

Random picts of Syafiah =)

Wat i realized after seeing all these pictures was that my face is so "cut & paste" hahahha.
Whatever it is, overall i had so much fun!!
And all problems were set aside for a while.=)

Another kite flying outing please!

2010-03-07T14:54:00.007+08:00

Was randomly browsing the net when i stumbled into this website. Clicking on the "miss you" button, saved some of them & turned it into a collage.

So here it is.

This aint going no where. I guess this time, my blog will be damn boring coz all i can think abt writing is how much i wish you're back here already.
Seriously, I feel like im in a dream. A BAD one. Nightmare.
I cant seem to wake up.
While my dream is like reality. A GOOD one.
I dont seem to wana wake up.

Blabbering bla bla bla. Yes. She cant stop thinking abt him. She cant stop missing him. She cant stop loving him. She cant even stop talking abt him. But 1 thing she's starting to stop doing is sharing it with others.
Ya. All these are done to herself. By herself. With herself.
And before she goes really crazy, she wrote it all down in her blog. Atleast she's letting it
out than keeping it to herself.

If only.............................................................

2010-03-07T00:01:00.006+08:00

Missing you has never really been a big issue before coz i know i'll be seeing you again the next day.
But now that you're miles and miles away, to say i miss you is not really the right word.

She feels something more than missing him.
With others, she smiles.
She feels something more than lonely.
With others, she jokes.
She feels something more than worried.
With others, she giggles.
She feels something more than upset.
With others, she laughs.

She reckoned putting on a facade, to sham feelings, being bogus helps.
For now it is the sole remedy that she could cling on.
Living in denial.
In reality, it is by far, perishable.

2010-03-06T02:07:00.008+08:00

Random post..

Collage of us done by him some time in 2008

Collage of us done by her recently

i miss you so so much =(

where art thou romeo

2010-03-06T00:15:00.006+08:00

Friday 5 March 2010 marks 1 week since he last call.
52 days since she last see him.

the day when she sent him off.
but she didnt want to let him go.

the day when she got his last kiss & hug.
but she didnt want to let him go.

the day when she had to battle with her tears.
but she really didnt want to let him go.

And now its all too late.

I hate to say this but b dear, I told you so. =(

2008-11-07T11:21:00.002+08:00

all i can say

the birthday celebration will be glued permanently in our minds

though all of my surprises turned out to be revealed even before the actual surprise

(and i meant every single one of them) =(

the most important thing is that he loved them

and i was actually the one who got a surprise instead

*Carousel dinner at Royal Plaza hotel*

and he was so shy and blushing when the whole carousel crew sang (from the song: 'cant take m y eyes off you-Frankie Valli)

"lala lala lalalala (x3)

lalalala laaaaaaaaaaaa

it is your bdae

and bla bla bla...." (i forgot the rest of the lyrics.. i was stoned too haha)

.....

"b which is the part that you love the most about today?"

"The morning delivery"

....

I specially love the last part of the day.. though it was not part of the plan.. heheh....

2008-11-04T13:52:00.004+08:00

The day has come

that special day for that special someone

ive had plans made way before this day

but slowly, one after the other, the plans just go down the drain

but no worries

syasha always have something sweet & romantic in mind

it all depends on the receiver on how he's gona perceive it

....

yes we've had many glitches as we move ahead

we quarrel almost everyday

she sulks over the tiniest little thing

he got mad at her

she got mad at him

but at the end of the day

we got back together in one piece.. =P

....

he always asked her why?

why she got jealous?

why is she mad?

why is she acting the way she's acting which could execute a quarrel?

those qns were always left unanswered..

coz she only know one definite reason for them..

....

that particular reason may sound stupid

childish

unrealistic

but that's the only thing that comes lavishly from the bottom of her hart..

....

and that scrupulous reason is because....

i love you.....

2008-10-24T13:11:00.006+08:00

Happy Monthsary baby!!

I love you so so much.. MuackX!!!!!!

2008-10-02T13:31:00.002+08:00

01.10.2008
Hari Raya AidilFitri
Hari kemenangan seluruh umat Islam di dunia ini
but to us, this day will be a day that we will never forget.
and it has not ended yet.
.
We were all ready to ask for forgiveness and then head off to nenek's place.
It was about close to 3pm alrd.
Ibu went first, asking for forgiveness from Ayah.
Then it should be my turn but i was trying to let the others go first by going in and out of the kitchen pretending to do sth.
In the end, adeq went 2nd.
Then I had to go instead since bro looked like he was not ready yet.
Was holding back my tears the whole way. and i managed.
It was then bro's turn and he was holding back his tears too.
ya. he is sensitive deep inside though he always manage to put on a tough look on the outside.
Then its to Ibu.
I went first.
Again tried to hold back the tears. Both of us did. While at that, we just stared at each other for like 10 secs long, then my tears started to fall, unwillingly.
Like a domino, my mom started to cry next. And it went on for a few seconds before we could talk to each other.
Next my sis and lastly bro. (He always manage to go last.Hmph!)
Now comes the appalling part.
Siblings' turn.
He just doesnt want to.
I tried to control my tears everytime he said NO.
and in the end, i failed again. I cried and went to my room.
Dah tk payah! org tknk kluar pon!
Kak kluar, kan baru mintak maaf ngan ibu.
i lose.
Went out.
After much force, he sat with his side facing me.
Lincah!
Dgn tidak ikhlasnye he held my hands and kissed it.
Itu cara minta maaf?
Ibu was not satisfied.
Then he started the whole incident.
We argued.
Im omitting the precise details of the rest.
....
...
..
.
He left the house.
with his skateboard.
without a word.
and didnt came back.
....
the whole house was in complete darkness.
complete silence..
and it was suppose to be the day of victory for all muslims.
Hari Raya PERTAMA.
....
ive lost everything....
The once 'a happy US' is now tumultuous.
and it so happened to be because of the black sheep.
unfortunately the black sheep is
....
me
='(

2008-09-25T13:04:00.005+08:00

Dah lama tak berjumpa

rindu rasa hati

ingin ku bertemu denganmu..

24.09.08

SMS

1:41pm

Sayang! Happy Anniversary!

Where are you dear? Boleh on MSN?

....

MSN message

13:46:51

Humz....

....

1:55pm

Takpe lah. Saye today nak datang and you won't reply.

I off laptop skrg.

Salams.

then the office phone rings..

She answered

MED-EL Singapore

Hello, you alone in the office

.... ya

Call me

........

Then she called him but Arlene was already in the office so she thought they wouldnt talk long on the phone but eventually they did..

And everything was settled.. =)

He tried to get the means so they're able to celebrate yesterday but luck was not on his side..

And so it was all on her hands now..

And finally they managed to go out..

Ate at BK (their fav) double mushroom swiss with extra ham.. =P

and impromptu movie

Babylon A.D

like he said..

cerita tkde pangkal tkde hujung

hehe.. but she likes the hero.. so oklah..

She enjoyed yesterday even though there were some glitches in the middle & at the end, but all was settled..

She hopes that $$ wont be an issue in future

so that they will always be with each other and live happily ever after.. insya'Allah.. hehe..

ps: she wants to say that she loves him so much.. Muackx!!

pps: she can't wait for that day (after hari raya haji) =P

24.05.09.... Insya'Allah =)

2008-09-24T10:10:00.002+08:00

23.09.08
Same day 4 months ago he proposed to her.
Sudikah awk menjadi kekasih saye?
She was shocked not knowing wat to say even though she could alrd sense the qn coming..
Boleh tk kite make it official esok? sbb esk 24th, a better date..
That came out instead from her unexpectedly..
And so they were officially an item on 24 May 2008..

Its been only this few months but they got so close & comfy with each other, spending every single minute they have. Just the 2 of them..
Maybe that's why she has been feeling this way now even wen its been a few hours of her not hearing from him..
And that's why she got so worried yesterday.. and then all the superfluous negative thoughts came barging in..
The night before after his class he went to mosque with his frens and he said he might stay overnight.. So she did not hear from him until the next morning.. So she called him in the morning as usual but apparently the fon was off.
So she thought it must be low batt or no reception as usual.. So she went off to work.. hour by hour went by and its already lunch tym but there was still no news from him..
She called and again could not get tru..
So she just waited.. MSN not online, so he must have dozed off.. she smsed his sister but even his sister doesn knw his whereabouts..
3.45pm
Still no news from him..
Now she was really worried.. Kept rmbring wat he said the day before..
I mimpi benda buruk sey..
buruk ape? pasal kite ke?
ya.
pasal ape? break?
....
pasal ape b?
nanti lah i bilang..
till now she dunnno wat the dream was about.. dat made her more disconcerted..
cbut whatever it is, she was told to remain calm and wait patiently.. not to over react..
530pm
msn message
salams
dear!
sorry
my hp batt flat
i go back to jurong west
faisal place
pasal kitaorg penat gila
then sleep
sowie dear
U MADE ME WORRIED SICK U NOE
erk
okay2
sowie sayang
and then she started to tell him how worried she was but he kept silent.
maybe dat got her more agitated and then the quarrel take on..
she noe she shouldn react that way but atleast infrom her when he got the chance so she wont be feeling the way she did..
and till today he was still silent..
today she woke up without any missed calls or msges
today she went her way to work without any ringing on her fon
today she was feeling down coz they've never been away from each other w/o hearing from each other
and today is the 24th.............. =(

2008-09-22T11:38:00.002+08:00

frankly speaking, I dunno what and how I am gona start writing. There seems to be many things playing in my mind that I just wana voice it out but to whom what or where, i dunno..
Seriously, i dunno where to start. Ive been typing and deleting typing and deleting for the past half an hour..
Maybe i should start off with what im feeling rite now.. What ive been feeling these days..
Everyone should have a goal in mind.. and they will work towards the goal.. Aim high to try and achieve that particular goal/s.
Me? I dunno what my goal in life is.. Seriously.. I go to work for the sake of it.. I go to school coz i thought i have interest in that particular course.. but for wat i know now, ive deferred 2 modules..
Where have all my ambitions gone to? Where have all my dreams disappeared to?
The same ans i would usually give which irritates many others,: I DUNNO!

I admit, im not independent.. Im too dependent.. When ive started clinging on to someone, i will
hold on hard and not let go..
I am selfish.. I hate to share.. Especially when it comes to the people whom i love..
Hence I tend to be possessive.. Getting all envious for such a tiny little thing..
I really cant help it.. i get paranoid.. all the tym..
And hence comes the small word with a huge meaning for me..
CHANGE.
ive tried and when i did manage to get hold of it, i tend to lose my grip.. its jus too slippery.. the fiction is just not there..
I really need support.. A really really immense support..
But all is too late now i guess.. coz ive lost it..
when i first got it, i kept it shut tight, fear of losing it.. but i was wrong..
it doesnt need intense gripping for it to last long wif you..
All it needs is appreciation, acknowledgement and understanding.. which i hardly show..
Even if i didnt manage to shower this to you, ive always love you..
Care so much about u..
before we were together, ive never thought that we could be together..
Now that we are together, i got used to being with you that im just afraid of losing..
if only i could rewind tym..

2008-07-07T14:20:00.002+08:00

you
have
promised
to
change
my
blog
skin
like
10
years
ago
why
is
it
still
the
same..

Hehe..

Pls
change
asap..

Thanks darling!!

24052008

2008-06-18T15:06:00.006+08:00

"Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice but falling in love with you I had no control over."

Its been ages since I last blogged.. To say many things have happened, not quite really, coz im still leading the same mundane life.. However, there is a tiny little pinch of change that has occured and I hope this minute metamorphosis can diversify my future life.

Despite all those negative remarks, comments & opinions, I am still looking ahead of me or should I say US..

Its true what you said that I step into another relationship too fast.. Its true that I fall in love easily.. And its very true that I trust people a little too soon.. And I've never thought that you aren't brave enough to tell me this straight to my face.. Mirror your own true self and when everything is PERFECT then you can come back telling me all these..

That set aside.. The important thing is

I AM HAPPY!

And I pray that it will continue to be like this.. No more dejavu please..

Time really passes by so fast when you're having fun.. I am having a hard time cathcing up with it.. I admit that this time round, it is really happening so fast.. Not even a sec for me to lay back and take my own sweet time to make a decision..

To my dearest, THANK YOU for making this change.. THANK YOU for withstanding me.. THANK YOU for being brave enough to enter my life. No one has ever done this before (U NOE I NOE)..

Being the paranoid Siti Noraisha, remarks from others do really have an impact on me.. BUt rest assured my dear, with God's will (InsyaAllah), our plans will not go down the drain just like that.. AND convince them that YOU are the RIGHT ONE coz I have already been won over..

"When I saw you I was afraid to meet you. When I met you I was afraid to kiss you. When I kissed you I was afraid to love you. Now that I love you, I am afraid to lose you"

2008-04-13T10:10:00.003+08:00

My headaches are acting on me again. That terrible headache dat i used to have that doc even recommended me a specialist to get my brain scanned. Or it's either coz of stress.
And now my whole body is so warm.. :(

Never in my entire life that i came back this late.. Even tot of not coming back at all. but i jus miss ibu.. and yesterday's was just too much to bear..
Broke my own record of staying out so late, ALONE.. How did i even get the courage to do dat.. I dunno..
Moreover, i don't really noe my way ard Vivo.. Aishah didn't want to leave me at first, but i insisted.. Promised her that i'll be back in a while..
Sorry, i broke that promise..
Had to take a cab home coz obviously, there's no more bus on service.

All the while i were alone, I kept asking myself, where have i gone wrong? What did i do wrong this tym?
And why, why does this always, all the tym, happen to me.. like again & again.. :'(

My exam's only this coming saturday.. I cant even open my book up to read coz of this terrible headache..

I'm so sorry aishah.. So sorry for not being able to eat..
So sorry that ive wasted the food.. Wasted your money.. And its super expensive sumore..
But thanks so much for being so understanding..
I'll never forget yesterday..
I really Appreciate your treat..

argh!

2008-03-31T16:16:00.003+08:00

Incensed, frustrated, panicky, worried, breathless etc. etc. etc... all in one..

Right wen i got the msg yesterday at 4:15:23pm, I was lyk, wat the hell.. Wat am i suppose to do.. Forwarded the msg to Arlene.. Her reply up my blood.. Then it goes on and on and on.. and dat 'tut' manager never replied. wtf.

Then another msg from Joan asking about assignment.. And to UP my blood another level, she's completed hers wen I still have a long way to go!!

Because of all these, my mood just went hay wire. Everyone got a shot of my temper.. And of course I got the same response back except from mami (& B).. She was still trying to cheer me up, showing her care.. If I were her, I wud have smacked me upside down..

When B called, I really wasnt in the mood.. Too afraid dat i might take a shot at him too.. But luckily, mami came to the rescue and made me realized.. We (B & I) had a good chat till 1.15AM..

When I thought everything was goin to be alrite, another msg came in this morning which resulted in the 'sms argument' between Arlene & me.. She typed all her text in BOLD. Apparently, she couldn keep her temper at bay.. Haiz.....

Now I'm 'patiently' waiting for that 'cause of prob' to show up.. Because of her, Arlene & me turned out like this.. Fortunately i'm on leave for the next 2 days.. If not, another doomed day for the supposedly special day tmr..

Lesson learnt: Always take a breather (even if its freakin hard) whenever someone pushed that very wrong button.. You'll never noe tat you might hurt others even more. Which is so unfair for them..

Diet Alarm!!

2008-03-28T20:57:00.004+08:00

DIET DIET DIET!!

Seriously, I wana go on a strict diet.. Cant remember wen was the last tym I really had a good exercise.. Back then in MI, P.E was really intense.. I was so weak & lazy(still am!) hence the tormented feeling whenever it comes to P.E lesson.. Made great effort to always come out wif an excuse to skip.. Haha.. Miss the old tyms.. Speaking of which, kinda miss Mr Rohaizam.. Was still so young & playful..
Death comes without knocking.. Semoga arwahnye dicucuri rahmat.. Amin~~

Went to IRAS with Arlene & Joy.. Even though Ive had lunch before them, I still ate with them at BK.. Funny thing was, I was the only one who finish up my food.. And here comes the reason why I really2 want to go on a diet..

Wanted to follow Arlene to Changi but Joy had to go BPP, so went back with Joy instead.. We were waiting for the train when Joy said, " You put on weight yar?" She was trying her best not to make it sound bad..
My reaction: (while placing both my hands on my cheek) "Really ar?!?"
Joy: (nodding) your hips looks wider (literally showing me with hand gestures how my hips look like)
Me: Sad face :(
And she said now I have a lady's body.. eeewwwww.....

I was still talking bout this even wen we're at the bus stop waiting fr 171, at Novena.. She was really trying to make me feel better i guess..

Joy: "Ur not fat. It's good dat u put on lil weight on. Now you've got the curves.."
Me: "Ha Ha.. Ya rite.. Ur jus tryin to make me feel better.. Wat did I look like before?"
Joy: Pointing at this small kid infront of us
Me: Gave her a sarcastic look.

Boo Hoo.. Im fat.. I realise it too that Ive been eating non- stop recently.. Haven checked my weight for quite some tym.. Now i'm too afraid to face the truth.. Argh!!

28.03.2008

2008-03-28T09:21:00.005+08:00

Early bird catches the most worms.. but I caught rotten worms.. U'll noe wat I mean if u read on further..

Didnt end yesterday well.. At 12 MIdnite sharp, B's HP set out an alarm.. Wanted to jus put aside the glitches & remind US of this day but maybe it's jus not the rite tym.. Its ok..
so I thought by waking up to a new day, I can start it all afresh.. But this is wen the bad start begins to roll..

Early in the morning got a msg which alrd puts me down.. Its not abt the content but the coldness to it.. Dat triggers the hurt.. But moving on......
Took 963 instead.. since its much cheaper to take the bus than train(I'm fcking broke nw).. Tot it'll be better than to take 184.. A new route to my assumed 'new' day..

Board the bus at ard 7.30am but halfway tru BB, there's a terrible jam.. I din realize dat I tetido which I cant since I have to keep a lookout on where to alight.. But guess wat, I terlajak and ended up alighting at NUH.. The tym on my watch then was close to 9am.. Can u Imagine dat.. Almost 1 & half hrs in the bus..

But this is not the end yet.. I still have to walk all the way to Kent Ridge Wing 2, go up the dreadful, never-ending stairs and along the forested area to Gemini building.. Wat an adventure sia.. The weather so humid.. AND im wearing black..

To look on the bright side, I get to burn fats dats been 'bermaharajalela' in me for yrs now.. But then again, the fon call hinders me from being positive..

Otw to NUH, up the longest ever bridge, called mom & told her all bout the bus ride.. Din expect the bubbly conversation to turn sour.. Sorry Ibu..

Just wat is wrong with me.. Everything I do seems to be wrong.. My actions seem to annoy everyone even me.. My words all seem to be prickles that stabbed any receiver.. Dun think it's dat tym of the month coz its not..

Maybe Im just too tired.. I wish I can have my 24hrs extended.. I cant sleep at night & dat makes it hard for me to wake up the next day.. Used to be able to stay up the whole nite & still be wide awake the next day but now all my energy seems to be drained out of me..

To those who has been affected by me, I sincerely apologize.. I need tym to adjust.. I'm so sorry..

:(

2008-03-04T10:27:00.005+08:00

Patience has its limits.. Mine has long past dat..

Didnt realise dat my boring ranting could attained me a 'fan'.. Since now I noe dat I have a reader, I'd like to take this opportunity to caution u wif me, my life.. One way or another it can or will affect US, whether we like it or not..

I'm not wat you see or think I am.. I differ from the rest.. I'm jus different..

I cant breathe myself.. I'm not allowed to..

My movements are restricted in a way that i no longer have the ability to move on my own.. And hence the worthless confidence..

Curfew? I don't know if this is the rite word to use for me.. The real fact is dat, I'm jus not allowed to breathe the air outside of my home.. How devastating can dat be rite?!

I keep hearing EVRYONE saying, life starts after 7pm, after 10pm even after 12am.. My life just stops once i end work or school.. Noe Wat, my life never has its start.. in other words, i jus have NO LIFE..

Lies have been my companion, my key to freedom.. I lie to survive.. I lie my way through life.. I lie to gain happiness.. And these are the truth..

Silently I observe and try to pick out at least one living example mirroring mine but to no avail.. Like hello.. Who the hell still lives in stone age..

Ppl say, you will get ur key to freedom once you reach 21.. I'll be reaching 21 in few weeks tym but I doubt this quote stands for me.. :(

Sorry to say, but I'm jus a living corpse who is still fighting for life just to see and make sure that for once in her life, my Mom will get the HAPPINESS dat she well deserved long time ago.. And dat's my vow..

Rewind~~

2008-02-25T13:21:00.006+08:00

Lets rewind a little..

14th February 2008

No details needed, everyone would have known wat day this is..

For us, its a sin to commemorate this day but most ppl jus ignored that fact and celebrate it anyways..

As for me, no celebration of course. But then there was a twist which happened few days before this day..

Someone asked if Im free on that day. Someone actually planned a 'dinner date' for me.. Someone actually was suppposed to work on that day but took the effort to find a replacement.. And that same someone cancelled the whole thing on the day itself.. HA HA HA

To say i wasnt looking forward to it, then its a lie.. To say I wasnt disappointed, its a lie too..
I wasnt expecting anything aft wat has happened jus recently. (u noe wat) But the thought of someone who actually planned for this whole thing just touches my hart and who knows this might cheer me up and erase those sour memories. But when he cancelled the whole thing last minute, I dunno what i was feeling at that moment. Happy? (I was not really ready to go for the '1st date') Upset? (wanted to look forward to sth but was put down, again & this tym, a different person)

And dat someone always apologize and apologize and apologize again & again which alrd makes it so insincere the 2nd tym.
It would be because he went abroad la, he had to cancel this la, he had to do dat la.. bla bla bla.. I hate to say this but sometimes I just feel that you're jus making up excuses but you noe wat, I cant find the reason why you'd do dat. Seriously, why do you have to be so nice to me like really2 so nice, when the real fact is you hate me. You hate me?? But why?? Wat wrong have I ever done to you??

Kenapalah korang selalu nak sakitkan hati aku. Apelah salah aku pada kaum korang ni.. Takkan kerana salah aku pada seorang je kaum korang, You all have to hukum me berkali- kali. Tak cukup ke korang sakitkan hati aku.. Korang lukakan hati aku sampai da tkde pape nk lukakan pon korang still carry on doing that.. Lepas satu, satu pulak yang cuba sedaye upaya ni nak sakitkan hati aku.. KENAPA AR?!?!

Finally~

2008-02-25T13:09:00.004+08:00

There's no love greater than mom's love

Finally, it was all voiced out. Unplanned.. Here's wat happened:

Friday, 15th Feb..ard 1925, I reached home feeling very exhausted. Salam ibu and I launched myself to the sofa. He was not back yet(dun bother also) and bro went to NUH with Hazwan to visit Paman Lan.
So Ibu talked to me about..... (hmm.. Ish.. I cant rmbr sey) Been like this recently.. Seems to be sufferring from STM.... hmm.. but dats another story. Back on track, mom was talking & talking and then I talked about work.. I told her I met Joy & Shelly in the bus and Joy was literally sitting on me & (almost shouting) asking me whether I was ok and everything. This part ok lah but then she asked how was yesterday(14th Feb) knowing so well dat I'm now alone.. She did it on purpose! and the bus was packed.. Hmph!

That's when I told Ibu that Joy and Arlene knows abt everything that has happened (wasnt my intention to spread the news but apparently, filippinos just cant keep a secret) Ibu was qute disappointed that even Joy knows abt it and I did not confide in her from the start.

The drama rolls.....

After dat nyte, for the longest tym, I actually felt at ease.. A fragment of burden was lifted off me.. I felt the need to smile again.. Smile for my beloved mother, the reason why im still living today.. Surf Tum, Only You..

Dont just zoom in on the "beautiful" tree but widen your sight to the whole stretch of forest..

starting afresh- failed

2008-02-11T09:56:00.002+08:00

sampai hati engkau melukai setelah berjanji sehidup semati

These just came out of my mind a few seconds ago.. and it rhymes.. Hahah.. =(
Forget about it Siti.. Starting afresh remember.. Just try to pretend everything's alright while you still can..

Saturday PM,
I slept over at grandma's place(which is just at the other end, same block, same floor) (which also used to be my previous home) haha.. ok watever.. So on saturday night, went over to nenek's place, nenek was not feeling well also, brought along laptop(have work to do actually but too lazy) and ended up surfing while playing online games till 4 plus am with bibik, even though my eyes couldnt take it animore.. Was also forced to chat with this mat indon, a friend of my aunt.. but dats another long story.....

Sunday AM,
So next day, as usual, dad called me home.. Could hardly open my eyes and its already 9.30 am.. So while waiting for nenek, I slept again for half an hour and then we went back to my place..
At home, was invited by a whole gang of relatives.. Apparently they slept over at my place and went jogging with bro in the morning.. Luckily Ive already washed my face and brush my teeth..
Mom cooked a huge periuk of sup tulang and nasi lemak.. She's one of a kind.. =)
After eating nasi lemak, wanted to bath but body just felt lazy.. So i roam around the house with my bathing towel on shoulder till it's already noon..
Then while i was in the kitchen, 'watching' my mom cleaning up the place till it sparkles (she's such a perfectionist) I started to feel uneasy.. My heart beats vigorously as if something bad is gona happen.. Any moment then i can just cry.. My mom, knowing dat i haven been myself lately, told me to share and not keep it inside me.. She then gave me a hug. I could no longer hold back the tears.. I wish i could just let it all out at that moment and tell her how much i'm hurting inside but it's just not the right time and place..

Later, she was super kind to me.. Treating me like a baby, even though we have guests at home(just the way i like it)..
We then lied on her bed and watch tv together(even though we had only a few seconds to do dat) and finally after she managed to force me to bath, we ate sup tulang together.. Then after cleaning up, we went to my room, to rest before going out to the library.. But i ended up sleeping till evening.. Haha.. in the end we din go out. =P

The hug, although it last for a few seconds, it does make me feel a little better for dat day.. Thanks Ibu.. I love you so much.. You're my only love who stayed on with me till now..
I'm jus so hurt ibu.. I'm very very hurt.. I tried to pretend that i'm happy but my heart jus wouldn comply..

Rite this moment, i can literally feel the aching of my heart.. I wish ur with me rite now ibu, so that i can hug u tight.. I miss you already

facade

2008-02-09T15:56:00.002+08:00

"We tend to forget that happiness doesnt come as a result of getting something we dont have, but rather recognizing and appreciating what we do have" - Anon

What i used to have is now gone.. Gone as in far away from me.. and there goes my happiness..

Its really never easy to go tru this stage all over again.. De ja Vu~

The only thing I have to keep in mind now is to not echo the past. Learn from mistakes and try not to replay it.. Hence the facade, sham, bogus of contentment.. Let me be.. Let her be! Let her consume her own medicine for falling into the trap yet again.. When will u ever learn for goodness sake!

Maybe I should just give it a halt. No more ranting over something dats not present in the 1st place. Anger only occurs about 2 seconds after the incident and the rest is just wasted energy.. (watever~)

Hurt

2008-02-05T12:52:00.002+08:00

Thanks for making a fool out of me.. Thanks for hitting me hard and making me realise how stupid i am. Thanks for making me afraid to trust again. And thanks for pulling me up high but letting me go wif a huge fall.

That should wake me up from my dream. A dream dat ive had ever since the day i was with you. But it's gone now.

Promises.. If its true that promises are meant to be broken then i promise u that i'll hate you all my life.

It really hurts. deeply.. truly..

Though it'll be hard for me to forget, i'll just have to try. Try to mend my broken heart.. unfortunately, i dunno how..

I apologize for being such a fool. i apologize for acting like a bi***. I sincerely apologize for being me.
Just to let you noe, all that i've done for you before, was never meant as a bribe for you to love me. But dats jus me.. I've already place you at the special place in my hart next to ibu but u chose to repel.

I'm really hurt.

=)

2008-02-04T12:51:00.004+08:00

Hey Hey Hey!

Forgot to include 1 happy piece of news.........

I have registered for part time dip in psychology and i'm starting this march..

Orientation.. 11 march 2008.. Yey!!

Wish me luck! =)

Kahona Pyar Hai

2008-02-04T12:35:00.002+08:00

Say that you love me

Its been months since i last ranted. You can literally see the difference between this entry and the last one. Happy happy.. then sad.. As always
My life, right when it reaches its peak and i got too aflamed by the whole thing, that's when it'll start to plunge.

My weakness: trust too soon, trust too much. Too fragile
I still have many why's to question...... and to answer. The questioning part may seem easy but geting the answer takes hell of a time.

I want to be heard but i dont wana be known

I want to be recognised but i dont wana be seen

I want to be loved but i dont wana be hurt

Maybe i'm being superstitious, believing that i'm jinx in love. It's wrong, like hell i noe. but just see the pattern and you can smell the jinx in me. There can never be a perfect love, perfect relationship. But what is it dat i must do to get a normal one. Normal love, normal relationship. If wat ive been gong tru is normal, then there's no reason to create love in the first place.

I'll always come to a conclusion that all of them are coequal. But i noe they're not. I realised, It's me that hasnt change.

Change..
Saying " I will " just takes 2 simple words out of me but achieving it...., ive yet to master dat.

quoted by someone, Lets just ' go with the flow'

Like a wise lady used to say, "If u really love someone, let him go.. If he's meant for you, then you'll see him coming back. "

We'll see.. if its meant to be then its meant to be.

nth

2008-02-04T12:28:00.002+08:00

Rebonded my hair! =P

Sweet tk? =P but never sikat ar..dats y
Berangan still

Boredness~~

wth

Bored~

2007-09-04T11:26:00.002+08:00

entah mengapa, ku rasa tak menentu..

semenjak aku, mengenali dirimu sayang..

terbayang-bayang, wajahmu dimataku..

hingga tersentuh, rasa indah di kalbu..

apakah ertinya..

aku tak tahu, mengapa aku rindu..

inginku curah, tetapi rasa malu..

cubalah engkau, mengerti isi hatiku..

di dalam diam, aku mencintaimu..

ku harap kau faham, perasaanku..

yang kini dilamun, rindu padamu..

sesungguhnya aku, telah jatuh cinta..

oh indahnya bila bersamamu....

moga engkau dapat terima..

cintaku dgn ikhlasnya..

janganlah engkau sia-siakan.. harapan dan impianku..

dalam diam.... aku mencintaimu.....

Just a random song that's playing in my mind right now. Kinda bored. Alone again in the office. Just put down the phone. Someone thinks Im angry. Im not angry la dear. Even if I am, its not because we're not able to meet today. Before that I was kinda ticked off by the whole planning process.

Was actually thinking of heading home straight when I receive the sms from you calling it off.

Dunno why I'm feeling so sleepy and lethargic right now.

Wish that I could just hop on my bed this very minute. sigh~~

I'm no longer aflame about work. Always feel so draggy and sluggish to wake up in the morning. Maybe its a normal thing but I'd already have this feeling the night before. Which is the reason why I tried to get myself awake, especially on Sunday nights, in the hope of trying to halt time for a moment just so that Monday wont turn up. - Stupid idea!

I really cant wait for next year where I can start preparing to apply for school. APMI KAPLAN. but............. sigh~~

How & where can I get the money to restart my education? How & who can help me with the application? So many queries, doubts unanswered..

Am I alone here??

InsyaAllah.. When there's a will, there'll always be a way. Must never give up Siti. "keep Believing in yourself - T"

ILU~~

2007-09-03T12:47:00.004+08:00

"you are my sayang.. my only sayang..

you make me happy.. wen skies are grey..

you'll never know me.. how much I love you..

please dun take my sayang away...."

(If you happen to be reading this my dear, this entry is especially for you)

With the existence of today, its a complete week for us. Not knowing the genuine reason for this entry, just felt like showering the bliss in me though you've managed to leave me speechless as of last night.

Have never really seen the enchanting side of you and once apparent, it really alleviates me up till cloud nine.

Its true that Ive never before, heard those nectareous declaration from someone who's become so dear to me. It may sound as if Im exageratting but frankly speaking, Ive never felt this happy for a very long time now. You've managed to put a smile back to my heart and I'll continue praying for this wounded heart to be healed and Im starting to see the fissures sealing up.... By you.

You might always hear the recapitulation of the same question from me..

" do you love me? do you really love me?"

Not that I distrust you but hearing you say those words just soothes the heart no matter how aching it might be.

Yes, you may say you might not be the dream guy that every gal longed to have but believe me my dear, Ive procure this precious diamond that Im sure every gal would be envious of me.. and that diamond Im referring to is you. - from the bottom of my heart.

I hope, I wish and I'll pray for this to nurture and blossom into a much more beautiful relationship as I can already see the love luxuriates more and more each passing day. ILU!

sorrow, despair, agony

2007-08-27T13:58:00.002+08:00

" the puzzle which I thought was beginning to complete, was shattered to pieces, yet again "

Its been quite some time since I last ranted here. Alot has happened. Most of which were not pleasant. Heartbreaking moments, despondency, bereavement were all shared alone, only confined to oneself. This sounds like a cry outs for sympathy. Maybe it is, maybe not. This mind no longer understands the language of the heart as both cant comply with one another which results in the deprivation of concern, care, attention and love.

Nyayi has long been taken from Him. Only prayers from faithful family accompanies the soul throughout the rest of her journey. InsyaAllah.

The living have no choice but to move on with life not knowing what comes next. Ibu was doing well at first but at times the agony could no longer be hidden.

Seeing her being exploited by 'others', heats up the agitation in me. You can always rebut this by saying I myself dont always listen to my mom. Yes its true, Im no angelic figure here. But lets just put yourselves in my shoes for once and think hard. Would you be happy if your own mother were not treated well even though at times you dont realise you're doing the same too. You would, as I've always observed, shout your lungs out in the act of trying to defend your mother. That is just wat I am feeling here.

You can never see the fault of YOUR own mother coz she's your mother. I can understand that but please, atleast, spare a thought for my mom as you would for someone who've helped you alot. For someone whos mother have long left her unlike you guys!!

Helpess i am, these has silently won me despise, detest and hatred from them but ibu would always stop me from voicing out. In other words, like her, I just dont have a say. I dont have rights to cry out the pain.

Promise ibu, no matter wat happens, I am and will always be here with you. Life's gona get better for you. InsyaAllah. And i'll make sure it will.

Bestfren~~

2007-06-08T13:18:00.002+08:00

'A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked'

Its been sometime since i last blogged.. Been caught up with work lately.. The workshop and stuff..

2 whole weeks of working non- stop.. But finally after much chaos, got to take leave specially reserved for bestfren..

Yah.. After for about half a year not seeing each other, finally we had our date.. We went to watch Spiderman3.. And it was super sweet of her to watch it again with me even though she's watched it alrd..

Another sweetest thing is that she actually bought me a hart shaped necklace which's super super beautiful for my bdae.. (even though my bdae's like long past) Still.... You're just so sweet la bestfren.. I love you so much!

We went to Vivo.. Ate at BK ( my 2nd fav fast fd restaurant) before the show starts..

The movie was so touching.. I actually cried at the end.. ( dun laugh at me k shah. I'm sure if u were to watch it for the 1st tym, u'll cry too)..

The show was great but the cinema was so noisy with weird burping sounds coming from my left hand side while at the back, parents trying to explain to their children wats goin on.. And children keeps asking questions.. Despite all these interruptions, this tym round, Spiderman3 actually made me cried.. The last part was so sad and Toby Maguire really did a gd job.. He really cried and that's wat adds to the "feel" of the whole show.. *applauds*

We hang out after dat where she always wana take picture of us though she very well know that im not really fond of takin pictures.. We then move to another place where there's alot of mats and minahs slacking.. This is where the so called 'fun' and more laughters started.. When we came, all eyes were suddenly on us as if we're some kind of alien.. The first thing that came to my mind was that coz we were wearing head dress while they were not.. Another thing that i realised was that most of them consists of couples or groups of mats and minahs..

Like i told shah, maybe they tot we're a 'couple' too. Hahah
But then we're very particular about this 1 group.. there's 2 mats 1 minah and another 1 minah tudong.. That minah tudong seems to be saying sumthings to her frens and then the whole group would turn and look at us. They not just give us any normal look but they stared at us as if we offended them in any way and this happens like more than once. Very Weird rite.

Later, when it gets darker, we were approached by these 2 mats. (Mat motor) haha. They tried to create a conversation with us which we then conclude that they were just passing their tym while waiting for their minahs. Haha..

So overall.. I had a splendid time with my bestest bestfren. Thanks to you, i hardly have any reason to be sad whenever you're with me. ILU shah.

Be strong

2007-05-24T20:38:00.002+08:00

'Perseverance is the only surefire way to get what you deserve in life. Keep going.'

Ya.. Keep going Siti..You'll never know wat future holds for u.. Just persevere and stay strong packed with more than enough patience and only then can u stay alive..

Nyayi was admitted to hospital last tuesday..Admitted cause of the wound which's getting worst.. Doctors say they're trying their best.. They better be..

Nyayi used to be a strong woman with late yayi by her side.. But rite wen yayi had to leave, she became so weak.. The strong woman just vanished rite wen yayi was summoned to go..

Down with stroke twice.. Her strong will made her survived the 1st one- stated by the doctors.. But unfortunately, the 2nd one's to blame for wat she's become now..

Poor soul lying helplessly on the bed, fed only with milk tru a tube, not able to speak or think or recognize anyone.. Poor you nyayi.. Nyayi really proves to me a point, that true love do exist..

Everyday , after work, i try my best to go all the way to Simei to see you nyayi.. Though i get tired the next day, this is the least i could do, just so that i could spend that moment with you while we still can.. But i'm very sorry nyayi i couldnt visit you tonight.. Sth's just cant be avoided..

Will always pray for you to get well.. I cant bear to see you suffer and neither can i see ibu in despair if you too have to go..

But if its time for you to go, then we would have to let u n hope you do go peacefully rather than see you suffer silently.. It pains anyone who sees.. I noe its even worst for you who's experiencing it..

Sesape yg membace..Sedekah kan lah Al Fatihah to my nanyi.. Rubiah binte Husin.. Semoga Allah meringankan kesakitan yg dirasainye selame ini..

Dan sedekah kan juge Al Fatihah kepade cikguku, mr Rohaizam Tumadi yg kembali ke rahmatullah minggu lepas.. Rest in peace cher..

`amin... ~

Bro

2007-05-15T11:52:00.002+08:00

'Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired' - Mark Twain.

Is it time or do i still have a long way to go? Am i desperate or am i just yearning to be loved by someone of the opp.....Ive heard from many strong women that we can live without them. Ya its true that behind every successful man, there's a woman but maybe for a weak and fragile person like me, I just need that special attention from that someone..

Used to have 2 men in my life.. But both is totally gone now.. one, willingly let go but the other...........

Bro.. I really missed the tyms we've had together.. You were the first sibling i had before adk came.. We used to be so close before.. Till now, ive yet to noe the real reason for ur cold attitude towards me.. Is it coz of him? my work? Please tell me bro.. I've longed for you to come to my room and disturb me.. Longed for you to ask me to sing while you strum ur guitar and we would record it. Then we would laugh at it wen we listened back to it.. Longed for you to ask me whether you should wear the cap or not but in the end you would still put it on.. just miss those moments.. Thinking of you Always make me tear.. No guy has ever make me tear for them the way you do bro.. Coz i love you.. I really do.. Seing you drift away, far away from me, just breaks me apart.. And now dat you're starting to get closer to her just makes me feel indignantly emulous of the both of you.. I used to be in her place but now........

I apologize for watever reasons that makes you drift away.. I hope and always pray for us to get back together bro.. Insya'Allah.. And wen dat day comes, i'll treasure every single moment of it.. Just so dat i wont lose you again..

Mothers' Day

2007-05-14T09:35:00.002+08:00

'The secret of happiness is to make others believe they are the cause of it - Al Batt'

Weekends past and the new week's just beginning.. Mothers' Day didnt start out great but the ending was sweet.. Though deep down there's still tension amongst us as we could not hear what each others' heart's ranting about, the night was ok and sweet..

Brothers put up a small "live concert" for the mothers while sisters became the cameraman whereas fathers were the obedient audience and mothers were just too touched by the whole thing.. Everyone started going to their mothers and giving them the greatest hug ever.. Seeing the whole thing makes me tear and i could sense the warmth filling up the entire house.. Mami, being a soft person, couldnt hold back her tears from the start.. And that's where i will come to the rescue and make her laugh again with my stupid lame self..

The rest of the night, i actually spent time infront of the TV.. (Got SCV mah) and on the messaging chair.. Around 11 everyone started leaving but me and mami slack around till midnight..

At times like this is when i could see the gap starting to close.. Even if its a small step, atleast i know the bond's getting tighter.. Insya'Allah....

retribution

2007-05-10T17:10:00.002+08:00

'karma - what goes around, comes around'

To think dat i could even thought of you as an option.. What have i done wrong to you to deserve this kind of treatment.. In fact, i've given you all that i could and despite those agonizing moments dat you've poured upon me, i still pretend that nothing has happened.. I could stupidly still sympathize you for your life that you claimed is completely ruined now.. I could stupidly give you time extension for something that could not be adjourn any longer..

And by stupidly doing all this, not only your life is 'ruined' but i've depleted mine too..

What is the real cause of this actually.. was it me? or was it just you and your lust?

Maybe its just dat tym of the month where my emotions get heated up.. But seriously, i couldnt believe myself for what happened just now.. For the zillion times, you've made me shed tears and this tym round, ive shed tears which in the first place wasnt meant to be shed.. I asked for it and i noe i deserve this.. But to think that i could actually get affected by you just now when US is no longer an issue now.. Dats totally witless of me.. Siti!! You're just so gullible! Study so high for wat when you never once use your bloody brains to think..

If by any chance U happen to read my blog, especially this entry, ive got sth to say to u..

DONT ever, even for once think dat im clinging on to u for life.. DONT ever think i cant live Without u.. DONT ever think that you're so great that i cant forget you.. The whole FACT is dat, you're long GONE from my life.. Im so hurt that there's never gona have any space for me to still have feelings for you..

I noe all this while, we have been living in lies.. YOUR lies.. Unfortunately, i realised this only now, when its too late.. Just so u noe.. In the first place,, You're just a REBOUND..

sleepy..

2007-05-07T20:54:00.002+08:00

' there is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval '

- George Santayana

Get wat this means? i dont.. haha.. wat do u mean george?

Today's a seriously hot and furious day.. I meant the weather.. From the start i was already sleepy and weak.. Walked like a zombie to the bus stop.. Then as usual, the bus was damned pack.. The driver drove like he just got his license or worst no license at all.. Lucky one angel gave me her seat when she wanted to alight..

Nearly dozed off at work.. Not much work but had to go down the UOB bank and to SGH, NUH again.. (mentang²lah aku da lame tk gi hospital=p)

Cant wait for the weekends to come.. HAHA.. SITI!! The week's just starting and ur wishing for weekend to come.. HAHA.. Dream on..

OK.. i'm talking crap here.. Coz im plain bored.. The existence of this blog already shows how bored i am.. And plus.. Im just lonely.. Had to go CPF board again tomorrow morning.. Im gona take this chance to wake up later than usual.. yes!

` Happy Birthday Ibu *

2007-05-04T21:57:00.002+08:00

'If u wana be someone, if u wana win, always listen to ur heart. If it doesn't answer.. Close ur eyes and think of ur mom. And then u will cross all hurdles, all ur problems will vanish and victory will be urs..'

First of all I would like to make a Huge shout out to mami.. Happy Birthday!! may Allah grant u wif a long blessed life ahead.. Can never imagine life without u mami.. I noe its impossible but if i could just have 1 wish.. I'll wish to be with u Forever..

I hope you like the gift i got u.. I noe its nothing much compared to the tons and tons of love and care dat you've showered me for the past 20 years and 9 months plus.. (dgr2 kak lambat nk kluar ye bu.. hehe.. scared of life=P)

Jocelynne's back today.. Had to go SGH and NUH again.. Before that went to singpost to post a parcel.. Had to go cpf building but no time.. Thought of asking mom to accompany.. So since no time, planned to date wif mami.. Bought her a cute little hello kitty cake.. The plan was actually to bring her to delifrance or coffee bean.. Then put a candle on that small litte cake.. So cute rite.. But then mami brought along sister.. Father and brother also coming along.. In the end.. its only me, mami, sis and bro.. That someone really dunno how to appreciate life.. Haiz.. Lets not spoil the mood.. Anyway, rite wen i took out the small cake with the candle on top, mami was already in tears.. Awww.. We love you ibu.. Will always love you..

So she made a wish and blew the candle.. After eating, she suddenly asked the three of us to wait while she went somewhere.. A few "days" later(hehe.. she took quite a long tym..) she came back with a huge mini toons plastic bag.. Gave the three of us each a gift.. All wrapped in our favourite colours.. Soft toy.. Mine's a minnie mouse.. She said it looks cute and sweet.. Hence its for me.. Cute rite.. hehe.. Thanks mami.. You shoudn't have..

You would surely expect me to write long essays whenever it comes to mami's birthday or mothers' day.. Its not about how long the letter's gona be coz at the end of the day, there's no perfect word, phrase or sentence to describe how grateful and lucky i am to have you as my mother.. If there is a moment where i cant take life as it is, its you who gave me the reason to move on.. For now.. I have 3 words for u ibu.. ' You're the best! '

bad start

2007-05-03T11:45:00.002+08:00

' In school, ur taught a lesson and then given a test. In life, ur given a test that teaches u a lesson'

Woke up with a lazy feeling of not wanting to go to work.. Thinking of how packed the bus would be with people struggling to squeeze into the bus just puts my mood down.. Starts work at 9am but have to wake up as early as 5 plus.. Its like the same timing back then when i had to go to school.. maybe even much later than this.. Must be wondering why the hell wake up that early.. I need time in the bathroom and infront of the mirror.. Its not dat im being vain but I believe in first impressions especially when ur a gal.. You have to look presentable all the tym.. People judge you firstly by the way you present urself.. and furthermore, im very self-conscious.. My self confidence is very low..

Ok.. I was suppose to talk bout this morning.. Used to leave the house at 730 but since the bus will be packed with those poly students, I'll always end up reaching the office 10 to 15 mins late.. So decided to leave the house at 7 but since mami packs food for me, it would already be 5 to 10 mins past 7.. So this morning, i thought since im carrying these office files might as well i just take a cab instead.. Mami didnt like the idea though.. So i waited to get out at 8 instead.. I totally forgot that here at bp, u need a miracle to be able to get a cab.. So i went to the nearest taxi stand at BPP.. i was act 2nd in the queue but the gal infront gave up and then i was 1st.. Then 1 pathetic taxi came, i was getting ready to walk towards the taxi when one Makcik hopped in.. That taxi was actually on call.. Nasib nasib.. Lucky there's only one aunty and a chinese couple behind me..

waited and waited till half an hours gone and the queue started to get longer.. Then another taxi came,1 passenger alight and i strght away hop in..

Here's how the worst part started.. I told him my destination and he was too busy with the money that the previous passenger gave.. Then after awhile, he turned to me and said" sorry ar, im on call" then keep pointting to the small screen as if i can see.. I was like"wat?!!, but im already in.........." With a pathetic muka tembok, i had to alight.. without looking ahead i just walk up the stairs to BPP and called home.. Dats wen drama started.. I cried while telling mami.. Too embarrased.. Not as embarrased as the bowling incindent.. I obviously cannot go back to the queue.. I called for a cab but no cab available.. Went to cck, no cab available.. Then luckily rite wen i reached clementi, the taxi driver himself called me And he's very friendly.. But by then its already 15 mins past 9.. Luckily, Jocelynne's still not back yet.. Total fare$12.50.. I could have just taken the bus which only cost me $2.40.. HAHA!! to me.. Padan muka siti..

This is wat u get if u dont listen to ur mom's advice.. Sorry mami..

Love

2007-05-02T15:22:00.002+08:00

'to love someone is nothing.. to be loved by someone is something.. to be loved by someone whom you love is everything'

Am actually at work rite now.. In the office.. All alone again.. Nothing to do.. So thought of writting a new post but have nothing in mind rite now.. hmm..

Received a call from Bioskin awhile ago.. Have been listening to Perfect 10 every mornig and Justin and Vernon keeps saying bout this promotion that bioskin is having.. It usually cost like $300 plus for a treatment but for the 1st 30 customers, its gonna cost only $58.. The DJs compliment so much of the treatment that i thought why not i aplly for my mom.. And i did.. My mom is now one of the 1st 30 customers.. With her bdae coming this Fri, maybe this could be one of the bdae gifts dat i could give to her..

Mami never pampers herself.. Its about tym dat she does.. This is only the beginning mami.. there will be more to come for u.. InsyaAllah.. Its a promise from your daughter dat as long as im here, your life will only be nourished by love and happiness.. And no one can ever change dat.. Not a single soul can restrict you of your own happiness mami.. You can mark my words on dat.. I love you so much!!

life

2007-05-01T14:20:00.002+08:00

'Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see life with a clearer view again' - Alex Tan

If that's the case, by rite now, my life should be as clear as ever.. Its in fact difficult to lead life the way we want it to b.. Wat we want might not be wat fate has installed for us..

Allah is great.. If life were to be simple, without any challenges or obstacles, how would we ever become a stronger person.. From these hurdles in life, i realise, we become stronger each day.. Without falling, how would we know how to stand up again.. Without failure, how would we know if we have succeeded.. Without pain, we would not even have the tym to sit down and reflect back on our life.. We would be too proud of ourselves to even realise that we're just borrowing this life from HIM..

Our family, friends, mother,our entire lifetime is actually on loan.. Wen its due, whether we like it or not, we have to return it back..

Yar, its easier said than done.. Easy for me to say all this but in reality, im the worst failure in life.. Im not even fit to be called a failure.. Imagine how devastating that is..

I know.. there are others whos much worst than me and i should appreciate life as it is.. Living only 20 years of my life, i shouldnt give up just yet.. By rite my name should define me as someone who leads a happy life.. "Siti Noraisha - Puan Cahaya Yg Hidup Bahagia" Obviously not now But.. maybe in near future.. InsyaAllah....

him

2007-04-30T09:00:00.002+08:00

'Like poles repel, opposite attracts'

Got me thinking, but you'll click well with someone of the same interests wat.. yeah dats true..However, this line is especially true for those, who has the same behaviour.. Speaking from experience.. U cant really click with someone who is as stubborn , as lazy, as temperamental as u.. never can u live in peace with yourself especially if you have these traits in you..

What is it with guys and their three letter word.. E.G.O.. Whether ur married or single.. Maybe im being prejudice here.. I admit even gals have their ego.. Im not an exception.. But this 3 letter word would slowly fade especially if its ur loved ones that ur dealing with.. Just seeing their face and how much u noe u love them, just hides away all the ego in u.. BUT with this particular person, thats not the case..

If u say he's pious, ok i'll admit he is. Never miss his obligation to serve God.. Provide shelter, food and money BUT( there's always gona be many 'buts' for this person) BUT.. u just lack that 1 very important factor that i need to live with.. where is ur love?!.. I noe nobody's perfect.. Im sorry BUT ur imperfection just kills the life out of me..

I admit im not that good of a person myself.. I make lots of mistakes, in fact still cant runaway from the fact that everyday there would atleast be 1 mistake dat i did. BUT i hate the fact that someone, who makes the same mistakes as i do, had to control and rebuke me every single tym he sees my face.. Ok, maybe im exaggerating abit here.. seriously.. who can take it having to live with someone who just cant live in peace by seeing me live in peace.. Hence he has to make my miserable life much more miserable..And not only mine but hers too.. Dats why i hate u so much..Hate u before,now and will always hate u..

Saying all this might make people think that im a heartless soul who speaks evil of this person.. Like there's no more place available in my heart for this person..

I've tried.. I've tried many times to try and go along with YOUR way.. Tried to find that soft side in you.. Tried to love you like i used to.. Tried to care for you like i used to.. Im so sorry BUT it all just couldn't work out.. Tell you the truth, at times I miss those moments, IF we've had those sweet moments before which now i couldnt name one.. Seeing others having their own, aches my heart so much that i feel im evil as to hate u so much..

I'm sorry BUT ever since dat day.. I couldnt bring myself to be ur faithful daughter..

GNO

2007-04-29T21:22:00.002+08:00

(pic taken at chevrons.. mami wanted to bring home the sofa.. hee..)

28 April 2007 - 3rd GALS NITE OUT

GNO started when father and brother started to have this fishing trip where they would stay overnite with their frens on an island. Then we gals would have the tym of our life..

The 1st GNO- We went to dine at Seol Garden( causeway pt).. then decided to go to esplanade where we took some pictures and took a stroll along the singapore river..

The 2nd GNO- Planned of watching horror movie but ended up wacthing 'stomp the yard' NO regrets at all! It was a fantabulous show.. Love it!!

(pic taken aft the show in the toilet ard midnite)The 3rd GNO- Bowling( our all tym fav).. Decided to go to chevrons since the last tym went to cdans( alot of malays, full house) Dined at Al Ameen( also our all tym fav)

I thought of watching movie again (the reaping) but mami insisted of us playing bowling instead.. So i decided to bring mami and sister to chevrons since the last tym when we went to cdans, it was full house.. Mostly occupied by malays.. Since we're( act only me and sis) not good bowlers, paiseh la wanna play with many malays around.. But it was the same case when we reached chevrons.. Not so bad though coz we got a place near to the end, far from them..

The nite started out bad coz haven been to chevrons before so we were like exhausted trying to find the building.. When we reached there, got another shock coz never expected alot of malays there.. But we certainly enjoyed ourself.. The most embarrassing part was me.. Deja vu all over again.. My worst nitemare of all.. Normal ppl, as u noe, would bowl to the front where the pins are but different story for me.. Ya.. The bowling ball slipped from my hands and went straight behind me.. It was so humiliating.. It so happen at that point of tym, there were alot of chinese mates behind.. In the past when this happens, its not this embarrassing coz i was a kid then but this tym, we laughed like we never laughed before.. My sis told me that some of the ppl who saw tried to control themselves but it was obvious that they couldnt hide their laughter.. So the paisey..

Still, we had a lot of fun and as usual mami's the winner.. We played till 11 plus which we then decided to dine at Al Ameen.. We actually planned to watch dvd wen we reached home but we were all too tired that we slept soundly in the living room, with me on the floor.. So cold..

Hmm.. wonder wats the plan for our next GNO.. Thinking bout it just excites me.. Hope father and brother will have their fishing trip again very soon..

The begining

2007-04-28T14:27:00.002+08:00

'The first step to love is friendship, the last step is friendship too.. Its the middle dat's left'

'Love hurts and if it doesnt, its not love after all'

You tend to hurt the people you love the most'

Heard of these lines before.. Dunno if its true.. If it is, wats the point of falling in love wen you noe its gonna hurt.. I, myself dont quite have the ans to my qn..

If only i could rewind tym and mend all the stupid mistakes.. Ok.. I noe Im askin too much.. Just atleast one of them? Keep asking myself, why was I too blind as to not see the diamond sparkling rite infront of me but yet drooling and hoping for the glass that i very well noe was capable of piercing rite tru my heart.. Wow.. I'm being so emotional here.. But its true.. I hate myself for all this.. Love someone with all my heart but dun really get the same response.. Being loved by someone but... I need time ok.. i need tym to noe if i love someone.. But im always not punctual.. Wen i already noe, its already too late..

Maybe this is life for me..

Maybe its just meant to be this way....